How to Make Yourself Reliable Again

How To Become a Truly Reliable Person

10+ Life-Changing Experiments

Photo by Siddhant Kumar on Unsplash. A statue of Atlas holding up the world.

I want to tell you two things right up front.

First, this article could easily take 1 of several other titles: "How to Become Committed" or "How to Cultivate Integrity" or "How to Become a Person Whose Word Actually Means Something" or even "What is Witting Integrity?" Yes, they all gesture at distinct points. Only they besides overlap in communicating a trait that has something to practice with follow-through, completion, connecting deportment with words, etc.

The 2nd matter is that a person who naturally understands and embodies reliability would probably never write an commodity like this one (let alone read it). Why? Considering they wouldn't have much to say. When nosotros naturally sympathise and embody a quality — that is, when we possess a quality that we've washed piddling to consciously cultivate — it's virtually incommunicable to meaningfully elucidate steps or frameworks past which other people might equally come into possession of that quality. Ask a naturally reliable person how you begin to embody reliability and you'll get an answer back that sounds a lot similar the Nike slogan: "Just practise it."

What I'm trying to tell you lot is that I myself do non understand or embody reliability. Information technology's a mystery to me. In my life, I've given my word more oftentimes than I've kept it, started far more projects than I've finished, called in sick more Mondays (or Tuesdays — Fridays) than the average deport, returned fewer calls (emails, text messages, etc.) than I've received, and rescheduled only about everything.

This also means that whatever progress I've fabricated in building my reliability muscles has been consciously caused. Through cocky-observation, experiments, practise, failure, feedback, and coaching, I've discovered both how I wired myself to exist such an unreliable person in the first place and begun to rewire myself to be the kind of person I (and others) rely on.

Below, I share some of the experiments I've tried or am in progress with that have helped me most in becoming a more than reliable person. Before I swoop into those, there's one important question to respond:

Why Does Reliability Matter, Anyway?

Reliability matters considering when we are unreliable, the Universe listens and responds appropriately. This might sound mystical. It is not.

When we don't show upwardly for commitments, there are consequences

When nosotros are consistently tardily to appointments, there are consequences.

When nosotros reschedule, there are consequences.

When we say we'll practice something and then don't do it, in that location are consequences.

When nosotros don't finish projects nosotros offset, there are consequences.

What are the consequences? If we browse through our lives, they're not hard to find. They're reflected in our banking company accounts, our personal relationships, our client relationships, the gym memberships we never apply, the diets nosotros never complete, the various undertakings that sit down effectually half-finished, the sense of stuckness, the practiced ideas that don't go out our own minds, the 10 dog-eared books on our nightstands.

If an unreliable person were a farmer, their livestock would be wavering and malnourished. Their crops would exist desiccated sprouts and lumps of dust.

Interestingly, when nosotros start to become genuinely reliable, the Universe listens and responds to that, as well. Completing projects frees us up for new, more heady projects. Treatment communications builds trust and inserts collaborative glue into our relationships. Honoring our give-and-take means that when we say something, people actually listen.

Every open thread costs usa attention and energy, even if we pay those prices unconsciously. When we tie up the loose ends, that attention and energy return to united states of america then we can utilize it to our adjacent move.

In the transformative journey of condign the kind of people who create and deliver our soul-work into the world, we all accept dissimilar things we're up against. It's my opinion that if you take traditionally been an unreliable person, working rigorously with the experiments below (and others of your ain design) volition change your life in ways that few other things will.

The Experiments

Photo past ThisisEngineering RAEng on Unsplash. A scientist in her laboratory.

The experiments beneath can be roughly divided into 2 categories. Experiments one, 2, and 3 are almost self-ascertainment and are designed to requite yous more information about your own patterns and relationship with reliability. The remainder of experiments are actions, practices, and exercises to support y'all in changing these patterns.

You do not have to practise these experiments in club. However, I recommend doing at least ane self-observation experiment before moving onto any of the more action-oriented experiments that come later. The reason behind doing self-ascertainment first is uncomplicated: If nosotros can't come across what nosotros're working on, we're going to have a lot of trouble making adjustments to it. Self-ascertainment gives us clarity so we tin work intelligently.

One final thing I want to say: Accept fun! Really. Reliability isn't a very sexy word. Merely if you really start to practice some of the experiments below, you put yourself at risk of discovering just how joyous a reliable life tin be. When you experience this joy, DON'T TAMP IT DOWN! Share it. Tell people about the experiments you lot're working on. Gloat. It's the kind of joy that grows by giving it away.

Experiment 0: Commit To Do All of These Experiments Within the Next Six Months (and Create a Team)

It is your life. Y'all can option and choose which experiments you'll do and which you'll pass on.

The invitation of Experiment 0, though, is to make an epic, legendary delivery to take activeness that stretches you beyond your mere preferences.

There. I have thrown down the gauntlet. If you choose to have it up (and I sincerely hope you do), I take two hints for you:

Make a Pirate Understanding: A Pirate Understanding is an agreement you brand with someone (a Pirate) to do something, and if y'all don't do that thing, there are consequences. In this case, you'd concord to do all of the following experiments in the next six months, or else suffer a consequence. For a result to be effective, it should be painful. This hurting might hitting your wallet (e.grand., pay a sure amount of coin to a charity), your calendar (e.thou., write an article about reliability by X date), your lungs (east.1000., sign upward and participate in the next 10k), or elsewhere. A few guidelines: The consequence must not atomic number 82 to arrest, or injury of self or others. Additionally, the result shouldn't benefit the Pirate, as this will give them a stake in your failure.
Create a Team: We live in a world that champions lone heroism. Merely big projects, including projects of self-transformation, tend to go farther when we work in teams. That's because when we work in a team, we can reflect back each other's blindspots, encourage one some other, give tips or hints, and exchange inspiration. So, get yourself a team of at to the lowest degree 3 people. To recruit your team, send your friends this commodity, propose that they bring together you in this six-month endeavor, and inquire them to meet with you one fourth dimension per calendar week to check in.

Experiment 1: Write Down All of the Excuses, Reasons, and Justifications That Back up Your Unreliability

In order for a person to continue enacting whatever painful blueprint in their lives, they must have structures in place that proceed them from truly facing and feeling their hurting. The reason for this is that if they were to experience their pain likewise nakedly, they wouldn't be able to stand it, and they'd have to brand a change. When it comes to unreliability, the pain-buffering structures are constructed from excuses, reasons, and justifications.

This experiment is virtually uncovering the personal excuses, reasons, and justifications that allow you to keep rationalizing your way out of the hurting of existence unreliable. It goes like this:

For two weeks, walk around with a pocket-size notebook and pen. Every time you lot are virtually to break a hope, show up late, reschedule or cancel an appointment, or quit a project, take a moment to write down your excuse, reason, or justification.

Hither are a few of mine to assistance you get started:

I'chiliad just and so tired.
I really need a mental health day.
I tin can practice information technology tomorrow.
I didn't actually desire to do it anyway.
I don't know why I agreed to this in the get-go place.
It's "out of alignment" with who I am now.

You'll observe that I've numbered mine. The reason for this is that excuses, reasons, and justifications aren't space. In fact, you lot likely have betwixt ten–20 of them that you recycle. By numbering them, yous create a shorthand for yourself so that when you notice yourself trying to wiggle your way out of a commitment, yous tin say, "Ah, I'm doing number 11 again! How 'tour that?"

As a warning, 1 of the results of this experiment might be that the excuses, reasons, and justifications that once protected you from the pain of facing yourself every bit an unreliable person lose their validity and no longer practice their chore. That means that you lot will feel hurting. In this blazon of transformational piece of work, though, pain is skilful news, as it acts as the very frictional fuel needed to create lasting change.

Experiment 2: Find Out How You Do good From Being Unreliable

I've already hit on some of the drawbacks of existence unreliable. But if unreliability didn't provide us with some benefit, we wouldn't keep doing information technology.

This experiment is about discovering how you lot (or more accurately, your Gremlin) do good from existence unreliable. It goes like this:

Sit downwardly with a pen and paper, and write out your answers to these questions ane at a time. Be sure to go slowly. Some of the questions might have more than one respond:

What exercise I get out of not showing upwards on time?
What practice I get out of giving up?
What exercise I become out of non doing what I say I'll do?
What do I get out of making excuses for not being able to complete things on time?
What do I get out of merely partially completing tasks?
What exercise I go out of rescheduling appointments?
What practice I get out of not responding to messages quickly?

When self-examining at this level of scrutiny, it's indispensable to have a second consciousness (east.thou., another person) present to help you be really honest with yourself. Yous are attempting to look directly into your own underworld, and without the loving clarity of some other person, you lot might fool yourself or miss out on information that could change your life.

Equally a guide, here are a few of the benefits I've discovered through this exercise:

By not showing up on time at piece of work, I benefit by lowering people'southward expectations of me and so that they give me fewer responsibilities and I don't have to work every bit difficult.
Past giving up on projects, I gather heaps of show that in that location's something wrong with me because I can't finish things I start. This makes it easier for me to give up on future projects, because if in that location's something wrong with me, there's zero I can exercise nigh it except requite up. This gets me out of the labor I'd have to do if I really took responsibleness for completing things.
By not doing what I say I'll exercise, I get the short-term benefits of having said I'd practise something (smiles, appreciation, gratitude, etc.) without the pain of actually having to do information technology.

Getting intimate with our underworlds in this fashion gives us a kind of transparency and choice about our actions that we may never take had earlier. When we see that skipping an appointment isn't really about "giving ourselves a mental wellness day" but rather about the secret commitment we've had to laziness and avoiding hard piece of work, information technology might get easier to choose something different.

Experiment three: Ask 5–7 Honest People Who Know You How You lot Are Unreliable

In this final reconnaissance mission, you'll be learning well-nigh your unreliability past soliciting feedback from people who know yous well.

Start by selecting 10 people who you think would be straight with you if you asked them for this kind of feedback. Explain to them that you lot've recently decided to go a more reliable person, and as part of that, you lot are asking people who know you to point out some of your blindspots. Ask them if they'd exist willing to meet with yous for fifteen minutes to talk most how you are unreliable.

When y'all meet, exist sure to bring a notebook and a pen. During the meeting, write down everything they say. It's ok to ask clarifying questions, but avoid explaining, defending, excusing, rationalizing, justifying, or reasoning your way out of the feedback.

When the 15 minutes is up, thank them graciously. They've simply given you lot gilt.

Subsequently you've met with your people, have a look at your list. Go to know it. It will come in handy when you brainstorm designing your own experiments.

Experiment 4: Movement a Rock Twice a Day Every Mean solar day for 3 Months

It can exist tempting after collecting so much data from cocky-ascertainment and feedback to jump correct into all the most important areas of your life and start trying to brand massive changes. But if your goal is really to go more reliable, information technology'south a good idea to start targeting your reliability muscles in an experiment where nothing is at stake and the only aim is to get reps.

Moving a rock twice a twenty-four hour period every day for iii months is one such experiment.

In this experiment, y'all'll start by finding a stone that'southward modest enough that you lot can comport it in one hand. In one case y'all've found your stone, you'll cull two places in your home. These places exercise non need to be special, holy, or profound. Great places include on top of the bureau, in the laundry room, on the back of the toilet, in the freezer, or on the porch.

Once you've selected the two places, you'll choose 1 as your forenoon place and one as your night identify. For the sake of example, permit'southward say your morning time place is your freezer and your dark place is your agency. On the morning of the commencement day of the experiment, you volition place your stone in the freezer. You will get out it there through the unabridged solar day. When evening comes, yous will motility the rock from the freezer to the agency. You'll go out it in that location through the night. When you lot ascension in the morning time, you lot volition move the rock from the bureau back to the freezer, then on and so on through the form of the three months.

At times, you lot might forget about the rock for a twenty-four hour period or two. It doesn't matter. Just beginning again, and encounter how long you tin keep the practice up without forgetting.

Experiment 5: Handle All Letters Within 24 Hours of Receipt for 3 Months

Equally I've started my journeying into greater reliability, one of nigh important areas of exercise for me has been in the realm of communications. Existence an unreliable person has meant that when it comes to communicating, I accept by and large been unresponsive or slow to reply.

The experiment I've undertaken to remedy this is a iii-calendar month do during which I handle all communications within 24 hours of receiving them. By "handle" a communication, I mean one of 2 things: Either I respond to the communication within 24 hours, or I determine that I will non reply to the communication, and within 24 hours, I erase it.

I could talk at length nearly the ways this practice has benefited my work and relationships, only instead, I'll just encourage yous to take it on and find out for yourself.

Experiment 6: Cancel Zero, Reschedule Nada, and Don't Call In Sick for 3 Months

The title of this experiment says information technology all. For the adjacent three months, stick to your plans. Don't cancel. Don't reschedule. Don't phone call in sick.

You lot might kick and squirm. You might attempt to wriggle your way out of things. Every time an alibi, reason, or justification comes up, simply add it to your listing from Experiment 1, and stay committed. You lot tin do annihilation for 3 months.

The only exception is if the person or people you've made plans with decide that they can't make it. If this happens, consider it a freebie. Don't hold them to the same standard you lot're holding yourself to in this experiment. Remember, it's for you, not for them.

Experiment 7: Kill, Consummate, or Continue Your Projects and Take On Nothing New

Most unreliable people have clogged project-hoppers filled with incomplete, dying, or lifeless projects. This experiment is nearly cleaning out the hopper, and it happens in a few steps.

Start, give yourself one week to get together all of the dissimilar projects yous've started over the years into a single, centralized place where you can view them all at a glance. This could be in a spreadsheet, in a document, or on a physical slice of paper.

Once y'all've collected your projects into a single place, give yourself betwixt one and three hours to go through your entire list and for each particular make a decision to either kill the project off (i.eastward., end it without completing it), complete it, or continue information technology if it's ongoing.

As y'all go through your list making these decisions, you may discover that there are certain projects you know yous should kill off, but for one reason or another (either you've invested lots of time or they've been in your life for a while), saying goodbye isn't so easy. In these cases, it can be helpful to create a pocket-size, formal ceremony that helps facilitate the full letting-become of the project.

With the projects marked "complete," give yourself three months to finish them. As for those marked "go on," cull a new start date if you've stopped doing them, or keep on going if y'all never stopped.

Experiment 8: Stop Doing Cost-Benefit Assay About Honoring Your Give-and-take

In their lengthy philosophical newspaper on the office of integrity in business concern, Werner Erhard, Michael C. Jensen, and Steve Zaffron explore toll-do good assay (CBA) as it applies to one's word. They annotation that nearly people bear piffling or no CBA when information technology comes to giving their word and lots of CBA when it comes to honoring their word. By the interpretation of the authors, a far better arroyo from an integrity-perspective is to do more CBA upfront when giving ane'due south word and little or no CBA when information technology comes honoring 1's word.

During this experiment, you lot'll practice doing only that. Earlier you make a commitment, make a promise, or implicitly or explicitly give your word to practise something, you'll practise slowing down and actually weighing the costs and benefits. This practice might mean that you lot terminate up saying "no" more frequently than y'all ever have in your life. And then once more, it might likewise mean that when you say "yes," your "yes" comes from a deeper, more than centered, more authoritative place within of yous.

When it comes to honoring your discussion, on the other hand, let there be no CBA. No second-guessing, no balking, no hemming, no hawing. You said you would do something. When the fourth dimension comes to do it, y'all wordlessly follow through.

This experiment should get for a minimum of iii months.

Experiment 9: Design Your Own Experiment and Do It

In Experiment iii, you collected wisdom from the people around you lot nearly the ways y'all in detail are unreliable. Now'south the time to put it into action.

In Experiment 9, you'll be taking some of the feedback y'all received and designing an experiment that'southward tailor-fabricated for you. In coming up with a workable experiment, hither are a few helpful tips:

Be specific near what you lot will be practicing. Saying, "I'll show upwards places on time," has less clarity and power than, "I'll practice being five minutes early to all of my commitments."
Choose a length of time. Choosing a length of fourth dimension to exercise an experiment takes away the pressure of having to implement a new behavior "forever." And, although I've given several longer-term experiments for you to try, experiments can final as little as v minutes or an hour.

After you've designed your experiment, don't just wait around: Requite it a endeavor!

Experiment ten: Write an Article Almost Reliability

If you devote yourself wholeheartedly to trying out all of the experiments higher up, your life volition await wildly different in three or six months than information technology does today. The last experiment is almost sharing your jewels with the world. What did you learn during this time? What worked for you lot? What didn't? Which experiments should people exercise commencement, which ones should they skip, and what does it accept to be part of a truly transformative, supportive team?

Put your thoughts into words and publish them so the next batch of people who are ready to modify their relationship with reliability tin can rely on yous and your journey to inspire their own.

Want more content like this? Check out my my free, monthly newsletter , or contact me straight at devingleeson4@gmail.com.

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Source: https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-become-a-truly-reliable-person-923945f2943e